CLOSE BUT NO CIGAR
LYRICS AND INFORMATION
Close But No Cigar is the ninth song on Straight Outta Lynwood. It is an original by "Weird Al" Yankovic in the style of Cake. It has a music video which can be found on the DVD side of Straight Outta Lynwood.
Here are the lyrics to Close But No Cigar:
Jillian was her name
She was sweeter than aspartame
Her kisses reconfigured my DNA
And after that I never was the same
And I loved her even more than
Marlon Brando loved soufflé
She was gorgeous, she was charming
Yeah, she was perfect in everyway
Except she was always using the word "infer"
When she obviously meant "imply"
And I know some guys would put up with that kind of thing
But frankly, I can't imagine why
And I told her, I said
Hey! Are we playin' horseshoes, honey?
No, I don't thnk we are
You're close (close!)
But no cigar
Then I met sweet young Janet
Prettiest thing on the planet
Had a body hotter than a habanero
She had lips like a ripe pomegranate
And I was crazy like Manson about her
She got me all choked up like Mama Cass
She has a smile so incredibly radiant
You had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass
I thought after all these years of searchin' around
I'd found my soul mate finally
But one day I found out she actually owned a copy
Of "Joe Dirt" on DVD,
Oh no! I said
Hey! Are we lobbing hand grenades, kiddo?
No I don't think we are
You're close (close!)
Aw, so very close (close!)
Yeah, baby, you're close, so close
But no cigar
Julie played water polo
She wore a ribbon on her left Manolo
She had be sweatin' like Nixon every time she was near
My heart was beating like a Buddy Rich solo
And she was everything I've dreamed of
She moved right up to #1 on my list
And did I mention she's a world-famous billionaire
Bikini supermodel astrophysicist?
Yeah, she was so pretty she made Charlize Theron
Look like a big fat slobberin' pig
The only caveat is one of her earlobes
Was just a little tiny bit too big
I said
Hey! Are we doing government work here?
No I don't think we are
You're close (close!)
So very, very close (close!)
Aw, baby your close (close!)
So close, but no cigar
Missed it by that much
Aw yeah, all right
Really, really, really close
But no cigar
